30 albums in 30 days
I am not starting it yet but I am going to after mercury is out of retrograde or shadow but I am going to listen to 30 albums in 30 days and write about it. Maybe I will start May 14th?
But here were the 30 albums I was thinking of ~
Marvin Gaye, ‘What’s Going On’
The Beach Boys, ‘Pet Sounds’
Joni Mitchell, ‘Blue’
Stevie Wonder, ‘Songs in the Key of Life’
The Beatles, ‘Abbey Road’
Nirvana, ‘Nevermind’
Fleetwood Mac, ‘Rumors’
Prince and the Revolution, ‘Purple Rain’
Bob Dylan, ‘Blood on the Tracks’
Lauryn Hill, ‘The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill’
The Beatles, ‘Revolver’
Michael Jackson, ‘Thriller’
Aretha Franklin, ‘I Never Loved a Man the Way I Loved You’
The Rolling Stones, ‘Exile on Main Street’
Public Enemy, ‘It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back’
The Clash, ‘London Calling’
Kanye West, ‘My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy’
Bob Dylan, ‘Highway 61 Revisited’
Kendrick LamR ‘To Pimp a Butterfly’
Radiohead, ‘Kid A’
Bruce Springsteen, ‘Born to Run’
The Notorious B.I.G., ‘Ready to Die’
The Velvet Underground, ‘The Velvet Underground and Nico’
The Beatles, ‘Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band’
Carole King, ‘Tapestry’
Patti Smith, ‘Horses’
Wu-Tang Clan, ‘Enter the Wu-Tang(36 Chambers)’
D’Angelo, ‘Voodoo’
The Beatles, ‘White Album’
Jimi Hendrix, ‘Are You Experienced’
Most of these albums I have heard of before. I know all the artists, and have read about them or listened to a podcast about them. For me albums are like stories and I am guilty of listening to the same songs over and over again. I will try to read the lyrics while listening to the songs. I am unfortunately a lyric girl. I will start with these albums and see how I feel afterwards. Maybe I will take breaks on weekends.
Hobby for the bored
It’s been awhile but I didn’t stand up for a bit. However, I feel going on stage and talking about yourself is a bit narcistic and mentally ill. But that’s just my hot take.
I have been googling how to find your hobby, and articles will say to do things you liked to do as a kid. Things I liked to do as a kid:
read books
talking on the phone with my friends
listening to music
riding my bike
writing in my journal
volunteering
watching tv/movies
laying down
doing my homework being a nerd with no social life because I had strict parents
volunteering
going to church and youth group
I work from home so I need to leave my house or actively choose to leave my house. I was thinking of learning how to sew because I love clothes and being stylish. I love learning but my work schedule is not a traditional 9-5. Maybe I should go back to stand up comedy. I travel a lot too so a hobby that is flexible would be good. I know it’s the ADHD but I get obsessed with something, for example I will listen to the same song over and over again until it has no meaning, or eat the same foods repetitively until I cannot bear the the smell or taste of it.
I like novelty and excitement. At least I don’t have social media in my personal life anymore. My attention span is better. I guess I have a dog and he’s my hobby but I need to find something else to do.
What are you waiting for?
I have a close friend who is very creative and I enjoy witnessing their journey. I had an appointment with my psych nurse and they suggested I take an art class. The rest of the day I have been looking at various in person classes I could take and went down a google spiral. One of my queries was, “how to pick a hobby.”
More than 1 article said to recall what you enjoyed doing as a child. I don’t recall having a lot of fun as a child, and maybe that’s why I feel it is difficult for me to have fun as an adult. I do want to heal and to empty my brain out with all the anxious thoughts.
I used to write in a journal daily and have quite a few I have kept with me. I wrote a bit of poetry as well. I was on my high school journalism class. I stopped writing because a friend/devastatingly cringy crush who I was unhealthily intertwined with and I had a falling out. I stopped writing and being creative because we were not friends anymore. One of my biggest regrets in life.
This blog is the closest thing I have to what I used to practice as a young person. The idea of being seen and misunderstood makes me want to peel my skin off.
I am exhausted of being stuck in my anxious brain. Even with friends of 10+ years I am worried that I am bothering them or annoying them. I will fixate on a text message or exchange I had with a loved one and worry if what I said was wrong or if they even want me around.
I know I sound crazy but I work out frequently and have been consistently in therapy since 2016. I have my Masters in Social Work for goodness sake! I am sleeping, going to the doctor, and taking deep breaths. I know there is not a magical cure for trauma and how my brain operates. BUT I can feel how I am transforming and I am not as impulsive as I used to be. Chalk it up to my frontal lobe finally developing.
The idea of healing creatively or finding another way to express myself is appealing. In addition I need to leave my house more. I have been working from home for 3 years. I don’t really leave my house a lot and feel like I am not getting as much social interaction that i used to/is recommended? Or now how I am not used to interacting or being uncomfortable mentally or physically.
My creative friend said I can try multiple hobbies and I don’t need to commit to one indefinitely. I often forget that I have options.
I think I will play Lorcana and cuddle my dog in the meantime. Happy friday.
xx
Goals?
The prompts this week in my mental health journal are regarding goals and purpose. Examples of the prompts are ~
”Think about all your accomplishments. What goal would you like to still accomplish? Describe what has prevented you from reaching it.”
“Is there a professional dream you would like to pursue? Describe the first step you can take to make it a reality.”
When I contemplate goals and purpose and what those dreams looked like for me when I was younger I realize that I was given an ideal that was not for me. Growing up I did not fantasize about getting married, buying a house, or having children. I wanted to escape and get away from my mother. The sort of life we lived ~ moving from place to place, working minimum wage jobs, and leaving when there was some sort of interpersonal conflict at work or in a relationship. My mom still lives that sort of fleeting, leaf in the wind existence. She moved to Guam and did not even tell me!
I knew that I wanted to go to school/college and become a lawyer like Elle Woods from Legally Blonde. I wanted to have stability, clothes, and nice things so I could blend in with others. My fixation growing up was learning, getting good grades, and padding my high school/college resume so that I could get a job. I went to church often and engrained in me was the idea that being a good person, and helping the less fortunate was the way to eternal salvation. If you were a good person, then good things happened to you. The lie that working hard paid off.
I worked in social services, and helping my community. In heart wrenching jobs and with people in impossible situations. I am a hopeful person but I now know life is cruel, harsh and unfair. I ended up getting my Masters in Social Work prior to age of 30. I was unmarried with an advanced degree and a stable career. What do you do when you accomplish your goals and there seems to be endless mindless days in the future?
I began to spiral and burnt out from the secondary trauma of being a social worker. I could deescalate people from psychosis, I knew how to navigate the trauma 1 hospital in the Seattle area, I could work/study/stay awake for 12+ hours. I could dispense medications while supervising children without a home. I could call law enforcement when I needed support and was worried about a client’s safety. I went to court, wrote reports, and testified. I could do many things the rest of society ignores because it’s a bummer. Yet I was empty, and worried I wasn’t doing enough.
Maybe I am disillusioned, or in my nihilist phase. If I could go back I would go to school out of state, and major in business or some field I could get a higher paying job that was not taxing emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I am glad that I did not fall into the trap of falling in love, getting married and having children because that was expected of me. I would be exhausted, unhappy and broke.
As someone who did what was expected of them the concept of productivity and goals seems outdated. Why be productive when I can just be? Learning to sit in the stillness and breath in and out is what I now choose to focus in. I have put in my dues and hard work. I try to give back when I can. I try to protect myself from the tragedies of my professional life. I am not being dramatic when I say there are tragedies in my civilian job. I carry it with me when I am being romanced and living my hedonistic life in a dreamy haze.
My friend said I am a socialite which in a sense is true. I wake up when I want to, spend money how I want to, have lovers, and live a sensual life. I was deprived of pleasure and emotion and now I want all of life’s pleasures. I don’t want to have goals. I don’t want to quantify my life by metrics of productivity. I know that measuring my life by those standards will not fulfil nor sustain me.
During covid I took the LSAT and I have contemplated returning to higher education and pursing my PhD. But no matter how many letters there are after my name, the qualifications will not placate the emptiness I feel inside. I don’t know if I will ever fill the emptiness and otherness I feel inside of me. I do understand that the longest relationship I will have is the one with myself and I need to be gentle and non-judgemental. I won’t find myself in another person, or through wanderlust. Socrates said something along the lines that no matter where you are you bring yourself with you. Well I guess I need to work on my relationship with myself.
habits of happiness
Today’s prompt: Forming habits of happiness takes effort and practice. What habits can you start today to make your self happier?
Sometimes I feel I will never be happy and there is something wrong with my brain. I am easily irritable and find it difficult to control my emotions. I would describe my irritability as follows ~ I focus more on taking care of others that I ignore my own needs and then I have a meltdown. I also have been rather depressed lately and spend most of my days in bed. I am scrolling on TikTok, reading, sleeping, listening to music and podcasts, having sex and masturbating. My bad is my happy place. The hours pass and I am trapped inside my mind.
I have been going through medication changes since April and I am worried that no matter what medication I will still feel onery, bratty and cranky. I feel so fucking stupid because I know why I have poor self image, and anxiety because my mom wasn’t emotionally nurturing and hug me enough. I have been in therapy since 2016, had my undergraduate and masters degrees, I am in a loving partner, a lovely dog, fulfilling intimate relationships, and I remain miserable.
I asked the people in my life what they dreamt of being when they grew up. One of my friends said powerful and successful and they contemplated in detail what successful and powerful looked like to them. My partner said he new at an early age he wanted to be an accountable, he liked having his own space in a cubicle despite the noise pollution of working in an office. When I thought about what I wanted to be when I grew up I wanted to escape (go to college or fall madly in love with someone who would save me) and be left alone. Growing up and being no one’s favorite person is such a terrible feeling. I wanted someone to love me deeply and understand me. I know that I need to cultivate that relationship with myself which is what I am doing.
I attempt to build habits of happiness. I have been going to pilates the last two weeks (also in preparation for my photoshoot later this month). I am trying to drink more water. I went to the dentist last week. I go to the chiropractor and acupuncturist. I haven’t been on social media as much, removing twitter from my personal phone and having it only on my work phone helps. I have been reading. I write this blog. I take deep breaths. I take my medications even though I feel they aren’t working. I haven’t been drinking or doing psychedelics. Mostly edibles and smoking weed when I feel up to it. I sleep which is such a big accomplishment. I used to not sleep for days while I was in school full time and working 30+ hours a week. Sometimes I wonder if I am making up for all the hours of sleep I missed in my late teens and early 20s.
I am listening to James Brown sing Try Me on a live set of his on youtube. “I need you.” I listened to melancholic music growing up about longing and regret. Chamorro music is akin to country music, growing up poor, disappointing your mom, being in jail, and the burden of having a broken heart.
I try to listen to new music and create new experiences for my brain. Another habit of happiness I want to incorporate into my life.
I honestly believe choosing happiness is a choice but fuck am I depressed. I can be who I am, feel what I am feeling and I shouldn’t feel the burden or guilt to live for others. When I do things solely for myself I feel selfish and human. But no one asked me to be perfect that is an expectation and pressure I put on myself in order to please others and succeed when the cards were stacked against me. I tell younger women that there is nothing more bitter than a woman who never put herself first. I don’t want to be that woman. Choosing myself over everyone else isn’t selfish. Being a provider really showed me it is about having expectations on what it looks like to spend time with me. I am special and have a lot to offer. I am sensitive, soft, and kind. I want to share my time and energy with people who know how to treat me appropriately. Then I can be myself and have fun without inhibitions.
Finally back to James Brown I feel scammed that I wasn’t alive when performers had full bands with them. I would’ve loved the Apollo and the Copacabana back in the day. I will try to write another blog post in the next two or three days. I feel better after I write a blog post.
xx,
